Apocalypse Update

jesus is late

Dear Christians Brothers and Sisters. The Apocalypse and triumphant return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is all going according to Divine Plan.However, The Second Coming of Our Lord and Personal Savior Jesus Christ and the sold out performance of “The Battle of Armageddon” have both been delayed, once again. I know everyone is eager for the Big Event, so this is understandably disappointing. However we are all used to this by now so there is no need to get irritated if you are a ticket holder. We just need to stay patient.

Everyone should just go about your normal day but don’t ever stop constantly being hyper-vigilant and watching the skies for his certain and immediate glorious second coming.  Jesus is probably on his way at this moment.  Remember Anything is possible – with faith and with God.

Remember that faith does not use question marks. So by “Faith” I mean mindless, unquestioning, total acceptance, and stubbornly maintaining this belief despite all evidence to the contrary.

And by “God” I mean absolutely nothing – nothing at all. Once again though, don’t think, just know it emotionally. That is all the proof that you need, regardless of what so called “formal logic” or wily Scientists may say about “experimental design.”

Jesus still Dead

Brethren we cannot allow ourselves to dwell on the obvious fact that the gospels clearly show that both Christ and his followers seemed to genuinely believe that he would return very soon after his death. For example we have voted unanimously  to ignore several verses of scripture such as:

Matthew 16:28  I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”– Jesus  (a little more than 20 centuries ago)

Need Christian Advice? Here’s a good rule. Don’t allow Satan to tempt you to ask yourself and question, Avoid thoughts like the following…

“Where the hell Jesus is anyway? and why he is so god-damned late? Does he have a clinical case of compulsive procrastination disorder or just the normal forgetfulness of any 2000 year old geriatric Jewish Rabbi? If he is truly hopelessly forgetful can’t he just write himself a note on the back of his hand (around the pierced hole) so he won’t forget to return for yet another  2000 years? I’m ready. I want to be lifted off the ground and Raptured upwards to heaven, already!


De Christianated Blog – Atheist Satire



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