He knew, now, that there was no God. And he knew, now, that there never had been a God. He knew, now, that there had never been a place called “Hell” – except on earth
But in his youth however, to Hanson, God and Hell had definitely existed. He had been absolutely certain. When he was
not yet an atheist, for all of those years when he had been a Christian, and even now that he was an atheist, He hated this God always, and he still did now, even though God was dead. This thing called “God” had done an unforgivable amount of damage over the years. Hanson felt like he had been sexually molested, except the molestation was of an innocent mind.
He hated the Church, as it had forced this God and his immoral “Hell” upon him as a boy, before he was old enough to think for himself, when his mind was like putty, and it trusted and believed what it was told. The Church had inculcated him early, and although sermon by sermon the preacher would yell loudly to the congregation of Hell, and pound away at everyone’s minds, it was not necessary. Hanson had accepted it, he told himself God and Hell existed, and after that, he himself would automatically perpetuate the existence of both — he knew acutely that Hell and its “all loving” despotic God both existed.
The instant he held that image of Hell in his mind he had been struck with terror, and its ineradicable flames roared in the most indelible belief, thereof. And these flames were living in the deepest conviction for all of his impressionable years – those formative years from a small child, through puberty, then adolescence.
He was a quite emotionally sensitive child by constitution and he felt negative emotions very profoundly, especially terror and dismay. And this “Hell” was his worst conceivable fear. And, it was, in an odd way, somewhat more real to Hanson than God was. Yes, Hell absolutely had existed – beyond any doubt. The fear had made him know this by emotional revelation. But the notion of God, in retrospect, he never quite thought he really accepted quite as much as he had, as a boy, believed in Santa Clause.
Santa Clause was very real. As a boy he would leave Santa cookies on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve. Ginger Ale too. And the next morning the cookies were half eaten and the ginger ale was half drunk. He asked his mother if she had heard Santa last night. She said “that she heard something.” He knew it was Santa Clause that he had heard. There was no doubt about it. He could see him in his red suit and beard. That was how God should have been.
How the boy loved Santa. Even when his friends laughed at him and all told him Santa “is your parents – you idiot!” He did not believe them at all.
He knew Santa was real. So Santa was real. To hold Santa in his subjective universe for that long and then to have his parents tell that that they had lied to him, and at that same instant also kill Santa, was a hell of a trauma. It was both a betrayal and a disillusionment of something wonderful. “Good Bye Santa.”
One can and does believe in anything once they accept it. Indeed at one time no one was thought mad to believe the world was flat. To the contrary to think any other thing would have been mad. I mean just look at it –It looks flat. And when everyone “absolutely knows” that the world is flat – the world is flat. And that changes the Universe.
And when Santa dies, and the world is suddenly round. Everyone suddenly knows it. . “Good Bye Santa.”
Though he believed in God, perhaps a little bit less than he had believed in Santa, God, he also knew, truly had existed.
However he had believed in Hell even more than he did in Santa. Hell absolutely existed. So by this God was real. God and Hell were two different things in Church. But to Hanson, emotionally, Hell and its God was also the same thing. And of course once he believed these torments existed, and knew that they existed, and then God and Hell was real.
“Hello Hell,” “Hello God,” “You sick, sadistic fucks.”
Sample chapters from the fiction novel “The Atheist.”Please be aware that all works herein are protected by U.S. copyright 2009 and are thereby subject to protection as proscribed by law.